I Watched Seven Year Switch So You Don’t Have To – You’re Welcome

It’s the first episode of Seven Year Switch, where we meet four equally attractive couples with struggling relationships. And luckily for you guys, I’ve watched it so you don’t have to.
Jackie and Tim met at the gym, where they seem to work, and a “hook-up” turned into a relationship. Jackie is upset he doesn’t like holding hands. “Take me on a date, motherf—er,” she says straight to camera with a psycho stare, not at all joking.


Unfortunately they also run a fitness business together so are together 24/7. He admits he slacks off work to get a rise out of her, then proceeds to tell her she’s a “bossy bitch”. You can tell if these guys didn’t have a business they’d be long broken up. Why are they on TV? Do they mistakenly think any publicity is good publicity?

Next are Brad and Tallena, who are engaged.


They met on Tinder, they say, giggling. They were meant to get married a month ago but postponed it mainly due to financial worries. Brad doesn’t want to spend $10,000 on a wedding (seems cheap by modern standards) but is happy to buy a $3000 TV. Tallena says Brad’s priorities are 1. golf, 2. his car, 3. Squishy the bird (how hilarious) and 4. her.
The therapists meet the couple and Tallena says: “Every time we used to fight Brad used to take my ring off me.”
Urgh – let him go live the single life, Tallena and find a nice bloke who wants to be in a relationship.

The third couple, Jason and Michelle, has two kids after being together seven years.


Jason misses the happy days of having fun together. He’s dressed like a 16-year-old skater boi. Michelle is focused on being a mother and Jason works a lot at his motorbike and web design business, so they are not together much. He feels the weight of their financial struggles. “We are not a team, at all,” Michelle says.
This is sad – these are not just shallow gym junkies in a passive-aggressive relationship.
The therapists ask what Michelle does for the relationship. She says: “I just don’t really try. At the end of the day, I just want a bit of time for myself … I’ve lost every sense of who I am.”
I’m no therapist but it sounds like Michelle has some form of post-natal depression.

The final couple is Ryan and Cassie.


Cassie has a child from a previous relationship and they have a baby together. She thinks Ryan needs to grow up: “It’s like I’m dealing with another child.” We learn that soon after they became engaged their first child was stillborn, which put a lot of strain on the relationship. He threw himself into work and she feels emotionally unsupported. She wants him to ditch his fledgling electrician business and get a stable job, so he can spend time with the family. “I just want my wife to fall in love with me again,” Ryan says.

And now to shuffle the deck. Each person is teamed up with someone of the opposite sex from another couple. For Michelle at least this should be the break from the kids she obviously needs. She tells Jason, if it fails and they divorce, he will see the kids on weekends. We learn man child Ryan has never spent a month apart from his nine-month-old daughter. Tallena will have a birthday while she’s away but Brad says she’s not allowed to celebrate it with her new partner, and no hugging. Only fist-bumping. So, you don’t want her, Brad, but no-one else can either? Fitness queen Jackie says Tim can’t get in a spa with his new partner.

Before they head off, they tell their families and friends what’s going on – Ryan and Cassie’s family look like they were expecting them to announce a divorce, although the cameras would be a giveaway something else was up.
At their last dinner together Jackie reiterates the “no spa” rule: “As much as you annoy the f— out of me I actually love you … Say you love me back on TV,” she says while holding a steak knife. She is lookingg – and acting – more and more like choir queen bee Anna Camp from Pitch Perfect.
anncamp

I have a knife.

I have a knife.

When it comes time to show goodbye Brad of the $3k TV finally shows that he will actually miss Tallena and starts crying. Hope there’s a big TV where you’re going, Brad, to make you feel better.
Gym junkie and affection-phobe Tim allows Jackie to hug him goodbye “He’s only ever said I love you in a text message one in three-and-a-half years. I took a screenshot of it.”

Affection-phobe Tim arrives at his temporary home and it’s rather flash with water views, a pool and a spa. Looks like they’ve all scored luxurious beach getaways.
All contestants realise there is only one bed in the house and Man Child Ryan’s seems to only be a queen size. They act like they’re freaking out, but c’mon, just kip on the couch, guys.

We didn’t see much of the therapists tonight, whoever they may be.
That’s it for tonight. Don’t know if I can bear another episode.



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14 Comments

  1. Hmmmm, I wasn’t going to watch this, but you might have hooked me in Juz.
    When is it on?
    Clearly, one of them met at Maccas.

  2. Thanks for the review Juz.

    Two of those couples need therapy as there are other issues at play and the stakes are much higher.

    Two of those couples need to break up as they are in emotionally abusive relationships. It is sad that the producers want to ‘save’ those two.

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  3. I will watch the first 3 minutes of each show, and the last 5 minutes of the finale – like reading the last page of a badly written murder mystery. If I know what happens in the end, I don’t have to torture my eyeballs. You would think that a couple of hours of therapy would be more effective than this nonsense.
    It’s more sad than anything. How can I make fun of this?

    • Ha ha, Bob. I like your style. This could be good advice for marriage success too. You can have the first 3 minutes and the last 5. πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

  4. Channel 7 have hyped this up, the last few weeks, but I had no intention of watching it because it just looks awful. And not in the, “OMG this is the most scandalous outrageous show ever!!1!” way that channel 7 thinks, it just looks embarrassing and awkward. And my overriding impression was that, if you have to go to this much trouble to fix your relationship dramas, then you’re probably better off breaking up and being done with it.

    Even from just that photo, Brad looks *terrifying*. And I feel like I’ve seen Ryan and Cassie on another reality TV show. Jason and Michelle just sound really tragic, and that channel 7 thought that would make for entertainment is baffling.

    • Ryan and Cassie looked familiar to me, too. Can’t think where from.
      I read an article which quoted one of psych’s saying that this show is good, because “doing something is better than doing nothing”. Gotta wonder what sort of professional she is, if she can’t offer these couples some of the excellent marriage resources that have saved many marriages over decades. Relationships never thrive when another person/persons is allowed in.

  5. You are a major heroine, Juz, for taking one for the team. I salute you!
    And no, I won’t be watching any of this dreck, but I will be following along here because it sounds kinda… compelling? No, that’s not the right word. Horridly fascinating? Closer, but still not right. Just plain horrible, I guess.

    Is anyone making a book over how many couples will still be together at the end of the show, or even if the show lasts until the stated time? πŸ˜‰

    • Nooooooooo, please, not The Verdict. Hoping that show dies a quick death, along with Karl Stefanovic’s career, and put us all out of our misery.
      Now Gogglebox would be a lot of fun on the topic.

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  6. There could be an interest in who Squishy hooks up with. $quishy isn’t a budgie , either, but some sort of exotic ringneck, I fancy. Brad’s seen it all, having been in bed with two birds.

    • Thanks BDD, I knew budgie was wrong but had no clue what it was. Surprisingly we did not see him sit down with Squishy to tell her he was going away.

  7. I have been catching snippets, although I am behind. Kaitlyn and Felicity’s boyfriend aren’t mature enough to be faithful. Kaitlyn is awful. Fancy dissing Felicity to the guy.

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