It’s back! I only saw two minutes of last year’s series, and given the PG timelslot I imagine a lot of people will tune in for the first ep and then bail.
Do you think any couples are still together?
Chat away – guest recap coming later from WA correspondent Daisy as I’ll be watching the Chopses flail on MKR.
AND OVER TO DAISY – thank you!
The premiere tonight begins with last year’s success story; cute couple Zoe and Alex. They are being blissfully domestic, and hoping for babies. But please, Zoe, teach Alex it’s “Zoe and I….” Then we are introduced to the three supposed sexperts, who will use science, charts and body odour to match the couples.
Then we are introduced to pretty 39 year old, business owner Christie. She seems to have had it all, great life, loving family, but she is getting desperate to have kids, and her dad is ready for grandkids. He has offered to foot the bill for egg freezing. Christie values humour, positivity and requires chemistry. Her partner is FIFO and now farmer, Mark, and we all now straightaway know that there is a back-up plan for Mark, in Farmer Wants a Wife.
Then we meet retail manager, “on-line dating fiend” and self-confessed rude person, Erin, who has her own slave; her mother. Her mum makes her toast, then wipes her bum for her. Erin claims to sabotage her own dates. She is matched with mild-mannered Bryce. The experts gave him to Erin because he sniffed her dirty clothes and liked it.
Then we see the brides and grooms-to-be break the news to their families and friends who generally approve of the crazy decision to marry a stranger on TV. Erin tries on wedding gowns, and luckily with help from her friends Tig and Laura, because the bffs notice Erin’s first choice of gown has a falopian tube design on her crotch. Then we see Erin open up to camera and have a little cry. She “really wants this to work”.
The brides and grooms get dressed and groomed for the wedding. Everyone is getting nervous. Erin wants a truck load of make-up. Bryce won’t even be able to see her until she washes her face. Erin has already shown she is a potty-mouth. “Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t, sh*t”.
Christie and Mark meet and marry on a ferry on Sydney harbour on a perfect sunshine and lollipops day. Mark is so stunned by beautiful Christie that he tears up. Christie is so underwhelmed that she soon starts throwing up. Christie’s Dad thinks Mark is too short and starts thawing eggs.
Erin makes sure she gets plenty of attention by having a pre-wedding diva-like melt down. She keeps groom and guests waiting while she performs for the camera, but manages an entrance after another swig of champagne. She does the stupid face fan, but she has a great figure in that wedding doily. Luckily for Bryce, Erin takes to him like a duck to water. I just hope he can make toast. Then they have the photo shoot which forces some intimacy. Erin and Bryce are up for it, as is Mark, but Christie is handling it like a trip to the dentist to have four molars out without pain killers.
On the ferry, things go from bad to worse as Christie gets sicker….but then things turn a corner as Mark shows how great his nursing skills are, and Christie stops throwing up in her mouth. Then, back inside, Mark impresses everyone with his speech and daggy dancing, although Christie’s Dad was making snake eyes.
Question: did the producers know that Christie gets sea sick? An onboard wedding wasn’t a good idea.
Over at Erin and Bryce’s party, Erin is loving the attention. She is schmoozing with the guests and swearing like a sailor. She talks trash about the “fake t*tty table”, then smiles and waves. Later she greets them at their fake t*tty table and the girls ask, “Will you f*ck tonight”. Erin likes the polite way they asked, so replies, “Not on the table”, or was that “Not off the table”. And that just left the fake blonds, with their fake boobs, and their fake brains, confused.
Erin then makes a speech where she pretty much confesses that she is a bitch, while Bryce beams at her proudly. Bryce is undeterred by the red flags. Is this Erin already sabotaging their relationship?
Now to the honeymoon suite. This is where I really show how old-fashioned I am……eeew. You are on telly! Anyhow, as soon as Christie flops face down on the bed, she is putting out a clue; “no sex tonight”. Then she leaves no room for doubt by making a cushion wall down the middle of the bed. Initially hopeful Mark, gets the message.
Eager Erin, on the other hand, wasted no time. She handled that camera man like someone schooled at the Russel Crowe school of Papparazi camera smashing, and threw him out with her hand over the camera lens. And placid Bryce probably wasn’t so placid that night. 💘💘💘💘