Bachie starts Wednesday

Matty J hits our screens this Wednesday, 7.30pm on Ten.

The Bachelorettes are:
Akoulina, 29, Gymnastics Coach, Queensland
Alix, 24, Body Painter, NSW
Belinda, 34, Love Coach, Queensland
Cobie, 30, Coal Plant Operator Queensland
Elise, 29, Marketing Executive, Western Australia
Elizabeth, 31, Property Manager, NSW
Elora, 27, Fitness Trainer, Queensland
Florence, 27, Brand Manager, Victoria
Jennifer, 27, Marketing Manager, NSW
Laura, 30, Accessories Designer, NSW
Laura-Ann, 27, Criminal Lawyer, Victoria
Leah, 24, Architecture Student, Victoria
Lisa, 24, Model, Victoria
Michelle, 31, Police Officer, South Australia
Monica, 26, Medical Receptionist, Victoria
Natalie, 26, Midwife, South Australia
Sharlene, 26, Wedding Planner, Victoria
Sian, 23, Retail Assistant, Western Australia
Simone, 25, Office Administrator, Victoria
Stacey, 26, Gym Instructor, Queensland
Stephanie, 23, Safety Administrator, Western Australia
Tara, 27, Nanny, Queensland

I leave the proper recaps to the many hilarious Bachie recappers out there, but just a few thoughts on the premiere. And, tonight, Mr Juz is watching with me – woo hoo!
We start with flashbacks about Matty (no longer Matty J) having his heart broken by Georgia Love and doing that gut-wrenching knee bend when rejection. But then it’s ok, because we see him snuggling with a bevvy of beauties now he’s the Bachie.
And he’s so happy now he decides to go for a run along the beach – shirtless, of course.
And just in case he missed it, they show Georgia rejecting him AGAIN! Or am I getting confused because he was on The Project 5 minutes ago and they showed it then?
Another reminder of how much Matty loves kids, with footage of him cuddling his baby nephew. And now his Mum – who raised her five kids alone after his father left – gives him a pep talk about how he’ll find love. And now, here’s shirtless Matt and shirtless Baby George frolicking in the pool together.
Matty’s so determined to find love and no longer be a shell of a man that he consents to putting a shirt on to hop in the Bachie Mobile to the Bachie Mansion. Where Bachie Host Osher is waiting, wearing more product in his hair than Ben from MasterChef. Although Osher may in fact be using Botox on his follicles, because that front sweep is not moving at all.

Body painter Alix is a red dress with a thigh-high split. Mr Juz: “Friendly, but not a match. A beauty – she seems nice.” The dress is real but she has painted some florally bracelets on her arms to show her craft. And she admits she gets an eye twitch when she is nervous – nothing at all to do with those fake eyelashes. She is taller than him in heels and guys don’t usually go for that.

Tara the nanny looooves kids, her sisters have kids and she IS a kid. Kids, kids, kids. Mr Juz: “Bogan.” I’m just worried about that bareley clinging-on black top. She’s pretty spacey but “stoked”. She’s forgotten which ear her smiley tattoo is behind – it looks like a stamp a teacher would give for good homework. “See ya, mate!” she says as she leaves. She does seem to be aware she is a space cadet, at least.
Laura the jewellery designer in khaki culottes that are VERY tight in the back. I hope she is drinking lots of cranberry juice or things are going to get very uncomfortable and crop top. Mr Juz: “Pretentious.” Matty likes her because she is ambitious. She seems like someone who’s come on the show for exposure – of her midriff and jewellery.
Here comes balloon girl Cobie and she doesn’t speak until she’s inhaled the helium. Matty leaps in to inhale. Mr Juz: “She’ll be standing outside his window six months after, watching him and the girl he chose.” She’s a coal plant operator.Looks a bit like the actress Juliet Lewis.

Simone the English girl won’t be able to sit down in her tight white dress and Mr Juz and I rewind and pause quite a few times to try and work out if Elise in the voluminious white kaftany dress is wearing underwear or not, because it flips wide open as she walks.
There’s a series of girls, all in super tight dresses.
Laura: “I’m looking for someone who makes my ovaries tingle.” Urgh.
Stacey is wearing some kind of beauty queen sash but it’s been blurred out because it has a sponsor’s logo on it.
And here comes the drama… Natalie, 26, the Adelaide midwife gets a lot of backstory about friends thinking she is “loud” and “crazy”. Mr Juz: “Oh my god, I hate her so much.” She tells Matty she’s been Instagram stalking him and that her hands are “moist”. And then: “I was in a relationship last year with a woman – the only woman I’ve ever dated.” And, apparently, she saw Matty without his shirt on in the Bachelorette and it “turned her straight again”. Yes, she actually says that in a “just kidding but not really way”.

Matty describes Nat as: “Very unique.” Which is not a thing, Matty; it’s just “unique”, without the adjective. Anyway, it’s a polite way of saying he’s worried she is not kidding when she describes herself as a stalker. I’m guessing Nat won’t go home tonight. because what would be the fun in that, but she won’t last long.
Constable Paxton AKA Michelle pulls up in her police car (except she’s from SA and this is in NSW) and he immediately confesses he once got done for weeing in a bush in public. And then he gets a bit kinky and asks her to “arrest” him.
Belinda, 34, has been dressed in what looks a lot like a wedding dress to make her look desperate. She makes him put his hand above her heart and sets a timer. They go for one minute without talking to “establish a connection”. She’s a love coach. It’s awkward.
Florence the Dutchwoman brings him clogs to represent her culture. She reminds me of Olena, the model from Ritchie’s season.
The gymnastics coach rocks up on tip toes and twirling her ribbons. “Akoulina really knows how to work that ribbon,” says Matty, and in his mind he is substituting “stripper pole” for ribbon.

Lisa the 5 foot 10 model/student is relieved Bachie is tall. Despite being a model, she actually looks more natural than most of the girls. She likes tennis. I like her. Mr Juz likes her. And Matty seems to like her.

Here comes Leah from the ads in the slutty fishnet dress, sans underwear. (She recently said she did not know the dress was so see through. Yeah, right.) She messes up his hair, totally invades his space and makes lots of sexy jokes. Ick. If Leah goes far I will be soo disappointed in Matty.

Leah makes a very loud entrance at the cocktail party. One minute in and she’s already pissing everyone off.
To camera, Tara the nanny deadpans: “Leah made a very grand entrance. And why not, when your ass is showing through a net?” Ok, maybe I DO like Tara the space cadet after all.
Some of the girls think they are on Desperate Housewives.

Matty gives a speech “to love”, then Osher tells them about the “Secret Garden”, where he can get “alone time” with a girl. But first, Matty pulls composed jewellery designer Laura aside for a chat – but not in the Secret Garden. One of the girls thinks Laura got picked because she looks like Georgia Love. She doesn’t, really. She is about 60 years more mature than the rest of the high schoolers at the party. Suddenly some of the lights go off and a fire twirler enters. I am really, really hoping it’s Keira just to mix things up, but I can’t see her being willing to be so close to an open flame.
In fact, all of those girls should keep their distance because those dresses and hairdos looks highly flammable.
The fire twirler is the 22nd girl, and she’s from Tahiti. And the girls are not happy to see her.

Jennifer the marketing manager with the big earrings is giving lots of bitchy commentary tonight.
“If you want the better version, you should talk to me after,” she quips to her “friends” as he asks to talk to Sharlene.
The girl in the slutty net dress says fire twirler Elora’s entrance was “tacky”. Elora cuts in on the chat with Sharlene, and fair enough, really – she didn’t get to talk to him at all.
Ribbon twirler is not impressed by fire twirler, because ribbons are SOOO much better than fire.

Bitchy commentator Jennifer decides to interrupt Elora and Matty for the heck of it and says she doesn’t want to play third wheel. “You’re going to see plenty of crazy, I think,” Jen tells Matty. Yeah, he’s looking at it!
And then it’s a succession of girls “cutting grass”. Next year, one of the bachelorettes needs to bring along a deli counter-style ticket dispenser.
And then some girl makes a comment about Jen’s dress being horrid – defending it with “just sayin’; social commentary” – and the faux tears start flowing. Drama, drama, drama. Last year I called brunette Rachel the bitchiest secret commentator, while Keira was the in-your-face drama queen, but this Jen chick takes it to a new level.
This is Jen:

This is Tara the nanny, who fetches popcorn for everyone in reaction to Jen’s meltdown:

Then we get a montage of Nat the midwife acting like a loon. I know this premiere episode takes about two days to film, and they all get tired, tipsy and kooky, but she appears to even fart on some of the girls.
Later, Jen is sitting there with major bitch face and gets an “Are you okay?” from the unknown girl who allegedly called her dress putrid. Unknown Girl says she was referring to all the mud along the dress’s hem. And it becomes a thing. But it’s ok, Jen “doesn’t want drama” because it’s beneath her. Yep. Jen tells us Unknown Girl’s name is Elizabeth and she’s a “bitch”.
Matty takes the first girl to the Secret Garden and it’s seemingly unaffected model Lisa. I’m reminded of how many of us thought Megan was unaffected and a good fit for Ritchie last season, and remember how that turned out (Megan decided to leave the comp and later hooked up with fellow contestant Tiffany).
Some girls, including the police officer, have yet to speak to Matty because they don’t want to be one of “those girls” but Drama Jen goes in for a second chat just to put noses out of joint further.
Matty comes over with the first impression rose and gives it to Officer Michelle. She gives me a Nikki vibe.

Ok, 1 hour 40 minutes in and the rose ceremony is only just starting. Model Lisa gets a rose, Elise the flasher, Nanny Tara, Balloon Girl Cobie, Ribbon Twirler and Fire Twirler, Net Dress Leah, some randoms and Nat the Crazy Midwife. Of course they are making Drama Jen, with her tasteful collarbone script tatt, sweat by having her picked almost last. And Jen’s nemesis, Elizabeth, is the last pick.
Sash girl and a brunette went home.



  1. I will be watching tonight with bells on.
    I like Matty because he seemed to have a cheeky sense of humour. Also he looks a lot like my youngest son, who also scrubs up well and is nice.
    I am already totally sucked in to hoping he finds true love. πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–
    Whatever that is.

  2. WTF is a “Love Coach?” Belinda, the seasoned 34 yo “love coach” . Lol.

    No NT or Tassie gels. They must be smarter than the rest of these desperates.

  3. Am out tonight but taping so i can catch up later in the week. Looking forward to seeing Matty J – anyone has to be better than Richie!

  4. I will have to get my pics working. My mind is running hot with ideas to illustrate a Love Coach.
    What do you pay a Love Coach and does it require balls and racquets?

  5. You’re all focusing on the love coach, and I’m far more interested in the body painter from NSW. I bet she’s fun at parties.

    Richie was nice to look at, but he ended up about as interesting as wet cardboard. I’m looking forward to Matty’s take on the show tonight, absolutely.

  6. The must have got a cheap deal on red cloth. What’s with all the dresses in the same shade? And, jackpot! Sharlene is called Sharlene AND she is a wedding planner. Awesome casting

  7. I totally called it. I like Alix, the body painter, she seems really interesting.

    And I already like Tara the nanny. Matty (in his interview segment) seemed very clucky, and good with his baby nephew, so I think being good with kids is going to help Tara go far in the competition.

    Also, Natalie. In her words, Matty’s so hot that he turned her straight. That’s power, right there. I don’t see her lasting, but she’s one of those contestants who will make the show very interesting.

  8. I think Ch 10 is going to oveplay the bitchiness after last year Keira. A bit is o.k. Overdoing is bad.

    • I think the turning point of the episode was when one of the girls referred to another one of the girls as, “this year’s Keira”. That was the point when shit got *real*, peeps.

  9. Some of these girls seem like they’d eat Matty J alive, if I hadn’t seen him on The Project I’d wonder if he survived the experience. Some pretty rough women in this lot.

    • Yeah, there seems to be some very, very strong personalities.

      I don’t see Leah (she of the black flyscreen dress) lasting very long, I think she came on way too strong.

      I actually quite liked the police woman’s entrance, in a cop car with flashing lights and all. He seemed to enjoy the novelty of it.

      And Lisa, the girl in red (well, one of them). He was just speechless.

      • That was also my thinking about Leah (the girl that wore half a dress).
        Matty doesn’t have much of a poker face so it’s pretty interesting watching his reactions.

        • Yeah, in a sea of gorgeous women, Lisa was the really, ridiculously beautiful girl. Tall, blonde, gorgeous and she left Matty literally speechless. I think she’s the early favourite.

  10. I think the love coach blew her chance, Matty looked pretty freaked out by the connection exercise.

  11. There’s a lot of strong (aka crazy) personalities this year.
    Game on Moll

    Matty picking up the first rose for the female cop. It was just so awkward.

    • Yes but it did make me laugh that she thinks she is so classy and said so primly “I wouldn’t do that because I’m a lady”.

      • Yeah, Jen comes across as just too needy, and just too much drama. But her arch-nemesis (it’s the first night. Why do these girls already hate each other) Liz doesn’t seem any better.

        And saying that, I think the producers will tell Matty to keep Leah around, even if he wants to send her on her way as quickly as possible, just because she’s this year’s Keira. Her or Natalie.

        See, I quite like Tara the nanny.

        • I like the Nanny’s to camera pieces to the point without being bitchy, I also think Florence could have an interesting take on things.

  12. So predictable, always a crazy one that they keep around for a while, this time its Natalie. Always cat fights, and a couple of quiet ones. Hated the black dress that left nothing to the imagination, and the way the girls carried on about the “intruder” was ridiculous as she only came in minutes after them, she was meant to be there.Matty made a good choice for first impression rose choosing Michelle, he wants a nice girl he feels he has a future with.
    Tara is nice too and if you’re wondering if she looks familiar, its because she’s the daughter of Debbie Newsome who used to be the hostess on Perfect Match years ago. It was mentioned on Studio 10 this morning.

  13. Natalie is crazy in a funny way. Not like Keira. Leah will stay for a while because the producers said so.

  14. I think it’s prudent of the producers to have a cop on the show given the potential for violence and offensive behavior on display tonight. I get the feeling things are going to become more putrid with units like Natalie, Leah and Jen on the loose. Just add champagne.

    Laura and Michelle, good choices for first roses, Bachie.

  15. i liked Stephanie’s looks.
    I am a Matty fan but won’t be offended by anyone bagging him out. It is afterall just a forum about a silly tv show.
    Leah would be pretty if she wasn’t be so vampish.
    Still too early to choose a favourite but we all know who we can rule out. JB, me too on Lara’s commentary and eyerolling. She kind of says what the viewers are thinkng. She’s like a gogglebox.

    • Yes, I saw him and he was very handsome. And tall. Poor lad had to fight off some female employees with a stick πŸ˜‰ Did she get a selfie?

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