The Farmer Wants A Wife premiere recap

Dear Daisy has kindly offered to take a crack at recapping the next ep (if anyone else wants to tackle other shows, be my guest!), so in the meantime here are a few thoughts on last night’s premiere.

We open with shots of farmers wistfully staring into the distance. They are pondering their heart-rending loneliness … or the size of their second mortgages.

New host Sam McClymont is personable and genuine, but to be honest the host could be pretty much anyone. It’s not like Survivor, which would be unthinkable without Jeff Probst, or Bachie without Osher.

Helicopter pilot Matt from cattle station Pilbara WA, is 25 but looks 40 – that’s sun exposure for you – and at least he looks like a real person. Actually, none of the blokes this season is a pretty boy, and that’s a good thing.

Farmer Adam is from Gippsland, Vic, where judging from the lush pasture it rains a lot. I’m not used to seeing farms that are green. He’s 25 and runs dairy cattle. Does a 25-year-old really need to settle down or am I cynical and thinking it is more about an extra pair of hands?

Single dad Julz, 36, is from Tumby Bay, SA (go SA) and has a cutie seven-year-old daughter. He’s the first farmer I’ve seen with a double ear piercing.

Cowboy Lance, 52, arrives and I can tell he’s from Queensland before it pops up on the sceen he’s from Rocky. He’s an ex-bullrider and seems a knockabout bloke. Has he suffered in the romance department because he did the rodeo circuit and never stayed put?

Shy oyster farmer Jedd, 37, from Coffin Bay, SA, arrives next. He was a  lawyer before deciding to have a seachange and heal is soul – perhaps he came up against that dreadful MKR woman in the courtroom. I like him already, although maybe it’s the thought of all-you-can-eat oysters that’s drawing me in.

Sidenote: What’s different about the house they’re filming this season at? It’s the same one, right, with the fountain, but they’ve painted it blue. Surely it used to be white?

And here comes Lachie, from Camden NSW, which is practically suburban Sydney so no hardship for whoever he picks. I didn’t watch Love At First Sight but from the rumours flying around it’s hard to believe he’s genuine. Hopefully he’ll prove us wrong and go on to be one of the FWAW suuccess stories.

Here are the girls and at least they are not all in sequins a la The Bachelor. There are even a few women in jeans – good on you, gals.

The lambs to the slaughter … cough … farmers … enter and their eardrums burst from to the screeching of the wannabe wives. Lance, aka older Dave Hughes, is lapping it up and Lachie goes in for cheek kisses. Urgh.

Time to sit on a hay bale and do awkward speed dating. Poor Jedd is struggling. “Do you like Game of Thrones?”. Well, I do, so I’m still wanting a trip to the oyster farm.

Matt tells Amelia in the red shoes that she is his fave and the feeling seems mutual.

Julz is given a stubby holder by Army Reservist and economist Megan and they both love shooting, so let’s hope he picks her and not some 20-year-old beautician type.

A few of the girls have donned hats to stand out and it’s working, although the nice girl is wearing white pants, so let’s hope she doesn’t pack them for the farm.

Lachie’s girls seem to be the ones with the most makeup and Lance’s ladies love his hand-holding forwardness. Lorraine and Lance are clicking, despite Lance referring to himself in the third person. She’s 49 and looks like she could do with a nice fella to give her some TLC.

Jedd is liking Sam and her skinny jeans while Lance is sparking with Karen. Why do all Lance’s ladies look like hardworking barmaids from Outback pubs?

It’s time for the farmers to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Adam picks his four, including sweet Elsie in the black and red check dress, a couple of randoms and the blonde hat girl in the white pants.

Julz of the broad shoulders picks the fellow shooter and some others. Don’t think there are any divas in this bunch, so that will be a relief.

Matt’s girls are younger, so there’s greater potential for diva behaviour and cluelessness about farm life. His picks include the tall girl whom he said was his fave. Last pick is April, who looks like a younger version of Suzie from The Block. Sorry, April, if that’s an insult. Matt could face the toughest challenge in that his property is a long, long way from anywhere.

Farmer Jedd is about to make his picks and – drama, drama – the music gets tense and the girl in the lovely black dress speaks. Looks like we’re heading for a “it’s not you, it’s me” speech already. Yep, she’s realised she’s not made for a competitive dating show and so he has to come up with a replacement. So now the girls chosen will always be wondering if they were choice No. 5. No surprise he picks Sam in the jeans.

Lachie’s wannabe wives are a lustful bunch and many have seen his previous show. Pick No. 2 says she didn’t watch. One of the leftover girls says through gritted teeth she hopes there’s a wedding at the end of the show.

Lance’s unselected girls will be devo. Can’t we have a spin-off show to find them all nice boyfriends or at least send them off for a spa weekend? Susie is a domestic engineer – does that mean she’s a stay-at-home-mum or is that a real title? She seems like a handful. His last pick is the well-groomed Lisa, who stands out a bit from the other ladies, and not just because she knows how to pick a supportive bra. Taking a punt here that Lisa is post-divorce or perhaps a health battle and is now determined to try something new. Good on her.



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12 Comments

  1. Those double ear piercings could be bullet holes.

    Sir Lance-lot. Run gels. Unless you like beer and more beer and Johnny Cash.

    Thanks Juz. Razing the barn.

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  2. Please don’t expect a great recap from me. Maybe it will be hopeless enough to encourage others to say, “Hey, I can do better than that!”
    I still think young Calorie is the cracking writer.

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  3. Great recap. You are very sweet towards the contestants Daisy. Domestic Engineer sounds so euphemistic.

    There is a spin-off to be had in the collection of Lachlan’s exs that Channel Nine is accumulating for him.

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