MKR 2017 premiere

Paleo Pete and the Frenchman are back tonight. How far in until we hear the phrase “raze the barn”?. Will Manu still be donning his purple velvet smoking jacket? Will Pete have turned up the spray tan setting to Maximum Trump?
It’s on Seven from 7.30-9pm and the same time slot Tuesday and Wednesday, so they are going with the looong episodes again to allow for maximum advertising opportunities.
Chat away – but don’t look if you don’t want to get spoiled.


HERE WE GO

The teams arrive at Kitchen HQ which looks exactly the same. Manu is wearing a shiny grey suit, which is a bit disappointing, while Pete is sticking with his traditional blue.


Manu hopes they can prove they are the best “ho kooks” in the country.
Cut to a montage of people crying, saying yuck and bitching about each other. So, same old, same old.
First to cook are the Tasmanian couple Damo and Caz. The annoying voiceover man refers to them as sweethearts – guess they don’t want to use the phrase “lovebirds” after the JP/Nellie/Zumbo love triangle. They have two young boys and live in Burnie in what looks like a gorgeous old weatherboard aka production rental.
Manu is “lacking” the menu – which is a good thing, apparently.
Entree: Truffle and cauli soup
Main: Steak with duck fat spuds and bearnaise soz
Dessert: Apple crumble cheesecake
Because they live in Tassie they can get truffles straight from the soz. Bet Henry the farmer is just delighted to hear the edit play Salt n Pepa’s What a Man over footage of him walking. No, he won’t get teased at all down the pub on Friday.


After a visit to the truffle farmers and the butcher they are forced to go to Coles for allegedly Tasmanian apples. No way have they been in cold storage for months.
Damo and Caz have chosen a music theme for their instant restaurant so deck it out like a mini Hard Rock Cafe.

IN THE KITCHEN
They are an hour late getting into the kitchen and start with the cheesecake and bread for the soup but don’t appear to get much done before the guests arrive. Everyone looks quite young – is MKR doing a Millennials V Gen X theme a la Survivor? Oh no, there’s a token over-50 pair ringing the doorbell who appear to be an older version of past finalists Jac and Shaz from Mt Isa.
Damo has mentioned he likes country music, so the edit plays When I Come Around by Green Day, that well-known country band.

THE TEAMS
Karen and Ros from Victoria are BFF midwives and are the Aussie characters of the season, game enough to let MKR film them doing hilarious things in the gym.
Amy and Tyson are a Queensland brother and sister and are the token villains. His profession is Uber driver and being a chef is his dream. What a shame the hours for Uber driving just would clash so much with studying commercial cookery at Tafe.
David and Betty are besties from Western Sydney and she is a “social media influencer”. Yes, that’s a job. Just as Tegan on I’m a Celeb is a “brand ambassador”. Hopefully we get some awesome Asian flavours from them but I fear she’s been headhunted for her look.
Tim and Kyle are the SA best mates. They have beards and seem pretty chilled. Brown beard is a bartender and red beard is an ad sales guy whose dad is a chef.
They’ve been seated next to the pretty Perth girls so they can do a flirty edit. Bek is a vet and Ash is a dental nurse. Bek (the not pale one) gets Nelly Furtado’s Man Eater as her background music.

THE JUDGES ARRIVE
Yippee – Manu is back where he belongs, wearing purple velvet, and Pete is in a black tux. Cue edit of women swooning over Manu. Remember back when MKR started and Pete was the hot one? Before all that other stuff happened.
In the kitchen the word crusty has been mentioned in relation to the bread at least five times, so it could be doughy. And, uh oh – a chat with Manu reveals they have never cooked with fresh truffle before. Noooooo! Classic MKR mistake, using unfamiliar ingredients just because they sound fancy.

ENTREE
The cauli soup with truffle is presented nicely but, well, it is just soup. Last year the cop BFFs were slammed for their stodgy pea and ham soup, although the texture of this looks good.
(AD BREAK: Anyone else see the promo for Bride and Prejudice, which follows MKR? I don’t think I need to watch an hour of someone’s heart breaking because his parents are homophobic assholes, but if anyone else watches it, let us know what it’s like.)
Manu freaks the couple out by making Damo get the grater and truffle so he can get a soup that tastes like truffle. Pete quite likes it.
The villains are whispering criticisms. Tyson has rehearsed his monotone critique and emotionless stares well.

It rubs the lotion on its skin ...

It rubs the lotion on its skin …


Yep, definite Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs vibe

Yep, definite Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs vibe


There’s an exchange over how to cook a steak, much flirting and talk of Tinder. Serial killer Tyson does not have any social media presence which, apparently, makes him a bad person.
In the kitchen, there appears to be some cooking going on. Who’d have thunk it? Damo has foolishly piled all the cooked steaks together and wrapped them in foil to stew away, so they won’t be medium rare.

MAIN
The steaks are served and Manu’s if definitely at least medium, if not medium to well. Pete says they’ve cut the potatoes too thinly and they lack seasoning. The steak is over but the soz was great.
Brown beard woofs his down and flirty blonde and several others hand over their leftovers to him. So they food must have been served in a timely fashion, as no-one’s starving.
Erk, this episode is draaagging on … why does MKR insist on stretching the instant restaurants out to 90 minutes? (Yeah, I know: ad revenue! Speaking of which – ok, we get it. Social Media Influencer Betty’s mum is blind. That’s not good but enough, already!)
Tyson is doing his deadpan criticism and it’s getting brown beard’s goat, which is why they’ve been cast in the same round.

Back in the kitchen they Caz is making stewed rhubarb, which I whipped up a few days so I’m hoping she goes well. Tyson is right: A slab of cheesecake isn’t that flash a dessert for a cooking comp but remember how well the Ducks Nutters did with their cheesecake last year, so it could score highly. Although Damo could be marked down for his woeful music-themed puns.

DESSERT
It’s very simple on the plate and the base looks thick (sorry, MKR hasn’t posted food pix on Twitter yet). Manu likes it in general but says it’s too dense from sitting in the fridge too long. “I found this not pleasurable to eat,” says Pete. He liked the rhubarb and the crumble, but not the heaviness of the cheesecake part.
The guests are rather kind – except the villains, who are actually more restrained than baddies in the past but we’re getting dramatic music so we know how evil they are.
So there we go: two okay meals and a stodgy dessert. Damo and Kaz seem nice but not strong cooks. They could hang around a while, though.

THE SCORES
Beardies: 5
Flirties: 5
Midwives: 6
Serial killers: 6 (note Beardies scored more harshly than the “baddies”)
Bestie and tatts: 6
Total 28/50

THE JUDGES DECIDE
Entree: Manu 7 (but you had to great more truffle on it, Manu!) Pete 8
Main: Manu 6, Pete 5
Dessert: (This could get ugly) Pete 3, Manu 5 (again, generous).

Total: 62

There’s a “surprise elimination twist” yet to be revealed, so who knows if they are safe. That score could go either way. Tomorrow night it’s BFFs David and Betty’s turn.



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47 Comments

  1. Temporarily residing in Bris Vegas. Hasn’t started here yet. Waaaaaaaaaaaah

    Hello everyone, happy new year etc. etc.

  2. Bearded boofs calling out “old cougars”

    Who cast those dickheads?

    “Social Media Influencer” ~ Bullshit artist. Give me strength. Your spellchecker doesn’t reckon “influencer ” is a word , Juz.

  3. ‘What a shame the hours for Uber driving just would clash so much with studying commercial cookery at Tafe.’

    Unfortunately Tyson thinks he is so good he wont be going to TAFE.

    He wont win either

  4. Well, I’m liking it so far. I wonder what nonsense channel 7 will make us sit through this year? Pete’s still irritating, and Manu still looks like he needs three drinks to get through each episode.

    I’ve also noticed, channel 7, a distinctive lack of handsome boys from Malta who make their own home-made egg rolls. Get on that, channel 7.

    But thanks for the handsome truffle farmer. Mmmmm. Talk about a tasty dish to start the competition.

    One thing makes me nervous. It seemed like there were 400 people in the kitchen there at the start. Which means this will be another season that lasts for decades.

    The first batch of kids seem nice. The hash-tag couple might get a little annoying, but hopefully channel 7 doesn’t focus on their most irksome habit just for the sake of cheap drama. I’m already annoyed by Tyson, but I think channel 7 wanted me to be annoyed by him, so I don’t know if I’m more annoyed at channel 7, the show, or myself for falling for it. Grrr. And his intro makes him seem outrightly psychotic. Great.

    I like Damo and Caz. They seem like a nice couple. Damo’s pretty. He’s not Jordan, but he’s pretty. I laughed when the midwifes said that they bet Damo and Caz make some very beautiful children.

    Also, I like the bearded guy. I’m not surprised if there’s some flirtation between him and one of the girls. And, you know, I’m usually into clean-shaven guys. Go figure.

    • The serial killer might turn out to be like what’shername from last season that criticized every dish and was quickly ousted.

      • Honestly, I’m expecting that to happen. “I’m such an awesome cook, but I’ve never stepped foot in a kitchen before in my life and will be quickly eliminated at the end of the first round”. Channel 7’s been pulling crap like that for years now.

  5. And we come to the obligatory fawning over Pete and Manu. Really, people? Manu’s not that handsome, and Pete’s certifiably insane.

    Reality TV contestants are weird.

  6. I actually kind of like Kyle for being such a boy, and just eating *everybody’s* food. I thought that was hilarious.

      • He actually really reminds me of a guy I went to school with (he was a good guy, too), so I might be a little biased, but I can’t help but find him adorable in a manly, bearded, pirate kind of way. Props to Juz for nicknaming him Brown Beard :).

  7. Tyson seems to me to be the kind of guy who puts arsenic in everybody’s food before he serves it.

    Not to thin out the competition or guarantee a win. But because of an overwhelming contempt for the rest of the human race, you know, he just hates everybody and is barely holding in an apocalyptic level of rage.

    • Given his sour, duck lipped demeanour, I was pleasantly surprised when he suggested scoring the Tasmanians a “6”.

      • He’s one of those people who, when he’s walking down the street, you can tell what a wanker he is by the look on his face.

        As for his score, I don’t know. For me, that makes him worse. He spends all night monologuing about how awesome he is and how the food is subpar and terrible, but when the time comes to actually vote, he’s like, “Yeah, it was all right.” Eugh.

      • Yeah, what a great advertisement for Uber Duck Lips is, because he’s uber obnoxious. One hundred yards in a car with him, I’d be wanting to “duck” out the door, after giving him some “lip”.

        I guess he doesn’t rate the Tassies so he’s suggested the “6” strategically., that makes him worse. Uber unbearable.

    • I suppose singing shows just aren’t the draw that they used to be. Like you said, I don’t really think we’ve lost very much, though.

  8. The first few minutes nearly led me to turn of the video of the first episode. Is it just me or did the guy who does the voice overs get even worse than last season? It totally reminded me of this here:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udtEgf3PYO8

    First couple seemed alright, although, sorry Windsong, I cannot swoon over the truffle farmer. πŸ˜› I will leave him for you!

    The social media influencer… Since I worked in marketing, I cannot stand that term any longer.

    Oh, and When I come around from Green Day… Oi, who came up with this song? πŸ˜› I think I wasn’t even counted as a teenager when this song came out. But my older step sister loved it.

  9. I have to say I was really looking forward to MKR but sadly try as I did I found myself bored. I felt like I was watching old re runs of said show.
    It was not the least bit enjoyable.
    I think MKR my have finally had it’s day, well for me anyway. I I’ll continue to watch for a while and see how I go. I can only live in hope.

  10. I was disappointed, same old. Soooo many couples at the opening which means it’s going to take forever to get through them. Nothing new, however I missed the door bell, perhaps that’s changed.

    • The doorbell was rung alright. It was totally awesome.

      I wasn’t disappointed, however, I had extremely low expectations and Ch 7 delivered the mediocrity in spades. Here they are in 2017 , lowering the bar again.

  11. May not be the best but sooooo much better than MKR USA.
    Did Pete look more orange than ever?

    Tyson made to be the villain but he and Amy (or Wednesday) give the couple a 6. I think Tyson is not just an Uber driver but also an actor hired to play a jerk who pretends that he can cook.

    • I think the dental nurse that called Uber’s sister Wednesday from Adams Family looks more like Wednesday herself!
      Also if my brothers claim to fame was being a very angry, angry, non talking kind of person, I don’t think I would be advertising that as anything to be proud of on National TV.
      Looks like another two who think they know it all and can take on everyone there and wipe the floor with them when their night finally arrives, what’s the bet they fall flat on their non smiling, drab faces?

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