(Thanks to Amanda for her recap – here’s another pic of Heston’s white, white and more white tampon dessert, which I know you are all dying to re-create at the weekend -Admin Juz)
— #MasterChefAU (@masterchefau) 31 July 2018
AND it is the Grand Final!
It only took about 150 years, 2 million dishes of mousse, tuile or granita and Matt Preston more and more drawing upon Willie Wonka for his clothing choices.
But first we have to pay our dues – which means about a week of recaps and speeches.
The good news is Sashi seems to have practised his script and thankfully Ben discovered hairspray. Getting out of the cars they stare dramatically at the same logo they have seen for every single episode – but it is clearly that the producers watch way too much “Days of our Lives” and well this is what happens
As they enter, it appears that Matt has decided to pay homage to the stupid berry bubble thing Jess cooked once by wearing one. Meanwhile, George manages to fit in another passive aggressive swipe at Ben, and Khanh is likely trying to figure out how to get his camera time. I also note that Chloe has adopted a new helium-induced cackle. We have the obligatory family scenes play out as I start drinking.
The judges start with their speeches and I will translate for you good people”
Matt: “Ben has learnt more than anyone else”
Translation: “We can’t frickin’ believe we haven’t got you out of this competition as yet”
Khanh decides to give us more expert commentary while just managing to hold back from doing jazz hands.
Round one – Starter and main course – They have 90 minutes for a starter and main to “hero” the ingredients. Okay, let me guess – Ben will go seafood and Sashi will do some curry?
Round two – apparently is “MASSIVE!!” (Yeah we know this is a Heston thing)
Finally we find out what they are cooking and in a shocking development, Ben is cooking blue swimmer crab with avocado cream and finger lime and for his main – deep fried whiting with peas, parsley and garlic emulsion. Gary tries to look like he cares and George just states the obvious about the dish needing to be “perfect”.
And Sashi is making sambal prawn with crispy prawn head and herb salad (starter) and fish CURRY with cumin rice.
I know. I am like a wizard but with cleavage.
Once again Ben spends about a month with the crabs and seems to have forgotten he needs to cook the other elements. That sound we all hear in the background is the start of the death knell – we know that this is pretty much why he isn’t going to win. Finally, after a lengthy George and Gary monologue, Ben is finished with the crab and actually cooks stuff. His camera hog wife seems to be auditioning for her own reality show.
At 35 minutes to go George and Gary pretend this isn’t already decided and runs off to the tasting room to get plastered. We see Sashi run around like a maniac and does a voodoo hex towards Ben’s area.
Ben plates his starter and it basically is baby food with what looks like tzatziki with fish food on top. All the contestants bitch that he needs something “crunchy” and the death knell drums ring a bit louder. Sashi is still cooking something and some idiot tells him how much time he has left. Which is good because it isn’t like there isn’t a HUGE CLOCK right in front of him.
Ben moves on to the main and the judges sneer at his starter. Basically they hate it – honestly don’t blame them – it looks pretty crap.
Back to Sashi and suddenly I am reminded why I decided not to have kids. As I wonder why no one has thrown mini Sashi into the blast chiller, his starter is finally plated.
Gary is almost having a food orgasm at any dish that isn’t Ben’s and they eat and rave about his starter.
Fifteen minutes to go and some random person decides to give advice to Ben and Sashi is pretending that he hasn’t already cooked this dish a million times before. Sarah seems to be wearing a toilet roll and gives her “helpful” advice (umm, honeyboo, if you were good enough to give advice you wouldn’t be in losers’ gantry.)
Five minutes to go and Ben hasn’t cooked his whiting. Matt takes time away from brushing his suit to remind Ben that this is meant to be a cooking show and therefore he may need to cook that seafood already. Ben decides to deep fry his fish – everyone scoffs and that death knell is full on orchestral.
Ben has screwed up the fillet after in a result *everyone* saw happening, the batter has stuck to the basket. For some weird reason he says he hopes the judges won’t notice (even though they are right there watching him).
Ben plates his fish, green stuff and peas and Sashi plates up with looks like a Continental rice in a packet. The judges go to the tasting room and Gary is almost skipping with glee at having reason to tear Ben’s dish to shreds. They love Sashi’s dish and it looks like Ben is screwed – basically they hate it – again I can see why, it looks like something *I* would cook and I once burnt water (true story).
The first round is done and basically if there is a chance that Ben will win he needs to do an exceptional dish with firecrackers and get some strippers to serve it to the judges.
And we have the scoring:
For the starter and main, Ben gets a total of 41/60 and Sashi 57/60 and for main
Entree: Ben 6/10 Gary George 7/10 and Matt 7/10. The look on poor Ben’s face is so despondent that it even warms my cold, dead heart – however, George just chooses to twist that knife a bit further.
And the next round: And as per usual it is time to pay tribute to Heston – because his ego isn’t big enough as it is. After about a million ad breaks, dramatic pauses and the middle east peace plan being worked out, we FINALLY get to see the dish.
A floating pillow (exactly like the top hat thingy on Zumbo’s stupid dessert show). Meringue blobs with ice cream inside on the pillow. They are bits of sponge and MOUSSE. Apparently it has about 67 million ingredients in this dish and takes 546 years to cook.
They start this dish and I crack open the tequila. Ben screws up the coconut ice cream – which gives Only 19 the chance to get in front of the camera. After consulting his spirit guides he decides to make half the portion.
Meanwhile we have Gary ad George basically saying Ben is screwed – and Heston telling them both to shut the f*** up. Ben decides to impart the insight that Plato himself would be proud by stating – the insert is basically a filling. Do you feel your chakras lining up? I know I do.
One hour to go and Sashi has done his blobs and Ben is playing in the freezer. To keep any semblance that this isn’t already over, Sashi has screwed up his “insert” and the camera pans to Jess, who finally figures out what feta is.
Finally they finish their blobs and because this dish isn’t wanky enough, they have to plate up on the damn pillow.
First is Sashi and George was about to remind Heston that he is Only 19 before realising it is the wrong script and gets back on track. They taste with what looks like overgrown baby food spoons. It is Ben’s turn to give tribute to Heston and all but genuflect before serving on the stupid pillow. George serves the food and looks a bit lost without his tweezers.
After scoring, Ben’s total is 77
And in a result that surprises no one – Sashi wins and now I need to get more wine.