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  1. And MKR starts tonight, although I honestly think I’ve just run out of patience on that front. Their casting still doesn’t seem to have evolved beyond, “Look at how awful our contestants are! Look at them!”

    Of course, this year’s promo for MAFS doesn’t seem much better.

  2. Can we start by talking about the s-experts? How much work have they had between seasons.

    Is Jules the redhead? Her friends hate her judging by their approval of her slapper wedding dress.

    Jules is matched with Cameron.

  3. Ivan, Cyrell’s brother, is one scary dude. No wonder Cyrell is single.

    Nic just walk away now. Not worth it.

    What is Ivan’s line of work? Debt Collection?

  4. Anyone got time for a mini recap? Dave? Maz? Windsong? Just broad strokes. I won’t be able to watch until later in the week. Too much happening at once!

    • Got crampy legs. Juz. No sleep.Perhaps after tomorrow’s encore (surely entertainment of this outstanding quality will be encored)or as season starts. I’m having a shit day. Not as bad as admitting to being 28 yo virgin on National TV. Enjoyed your MKR recap.

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      • Dave sorry if it’s being a pain, but have you tried magnesium. I often get restless leg. I go to bed and my legs go everywhere. I should get fit just fro that. But then I remember to take magnesium.
        Sorry you are having a shit day. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

        Juz, I will do an IAC.

        • I’ve taken a shitload of magnesium today, thanks daisy….but I forgot to last night. Yes . I know well the restless leg syndrome. My doctor says magnesium is snake oil but what can I say it seems that the nights I take it , things go better so I buy it. I’ll be telling him this again .

          • And there is a terrific spray for under the tongue – Restless Leg Syndrome. By Martin & Pleasance from Chemist Warehouse, use as often as you like, works a treat.

          • They used to give me magnesium and calcium (in liquid form) as pre-chemo drugs, to help stave off some of the side-effects. I’m not sure how well it worked, but it didn’t hurt, so they kept doing it.

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          • I’ve heard tonic water can help too – haven’t tried it because Mg works for me but thought it wouldn’t hurt to pass it on.

          • “Broad strokes,” hmm?

            Some of these broads will be stroked by the end of the season.

            I’m gonna buy some tonic water. Thanks JB.

            We got us an encore at 1.21 pm. I’ll watch it again and see what I got. But like these gice, I won’t commit to anything. I gotta see Brooke , too.

    • I was channel surfing tonight (I even caught a bit of Brooke heading into the jungle), so I caught odd snippets of this in between the ad breaks for MKR.

      My heart went out to the poor groom who’d suffered (and, noticeably, bounced back) from an early testicular cancer diagnosis. I just thought, channel 9, if you make a mockery of this guy, I will hurt someone. But then it cut to one of the brides saying that her favourite hobby was just lying around wearing a bikini, and I remembered what kind of show this was, and changed the channel.

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      • Based on this can I count wearing pyjamas as a hobby? I just don’t photos of it on Instagram. I am also quite good at blinking and breathing

          • Windsong, Dave, are you going to have a stab at a recap? I know we have a lot of talented writers on this blog. It doesn’t matter if you think you can’t. 😄😄😄😄😄
            Dave, when you are feeling better, that is.

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    • What can be added to a James Weir recap? In very broad strokes:
      The editors quickly recap last season and promise that this one will be more outrageous than the last. Obviously, the s-experts in the interim received a bonus which was quickly dissipated on cosmetic enhancements and acting lessons so they could say with a straight face that this is all about the science. *cough* *cough*

      Ramping up the tensions, the producers have a booze fueled Bucks/Hen’s Nights (except the virgin doesn’t drink). Retribution is quick and fast as he is outed.

      The ladies state their sista-hood credentials while rapidly assessing their competition to determine how quickly they can seduce the other’s intended. Ines whose hobbies include photographing herself while maximising her chances of skin cancer ain’t that impress with talons and the complete nutcase Melissa.

      With no more mileage we head to the matching. First up Jules and Cam. She wants kids and he wants a WAG. Fairly boring. She quotes Carrie Bradshaw and fails miserably to conceal her disappointment that not only did she not get Mr Big but someone Carrie would never date- a short man. Not even the sabotaging of the PA at the wedding reception could provoke drama.

      Smoker Cyrell. James Weir is right. This isn’t about finding love but a sweet reality gig for the family. Mum has all the classic lines of don’t swear in front of the food and big bro Ivan likes to pretend his sister is untouched. How many times is Nic going to “confess” he had cancer??

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  5. I have been channel surfing too, flicking to mafs in the ads. I will watch them both properly though, because they are recorded. What I saw of mafs so far was lots of makeup. Why can’t people look more natural? Not as natural as the farmer.

  6. Jessica and her puffed up lips, Admin and part time model is matched with the farmer. Yeah because a girl from WA is a good match with a guy from Qld.

    • Melissa seems so manic and unfocussed that I wonder if she has some kind of undiagnosed health issues. Like, I don’t think this is the right kind of show for her. This is not going to end well.

  7. We wonder if one of the screening questions is: Do you have an over protective older brother with violent tendencies?

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  8. I am not watching tonight but my friend messaged me that a bloke with a neck tattoo is whingeing about another bloke being a bogan. Surely they will be besties after discovering they have matching Southern Cross tatts?

  9. Night Two and another two matches.

    Let’s start with Kate Langbroek and Smooth Operator (SO). Kate (Melissa) ‘s claim to fame is being celibate for the past eight years. Doesn’t take a genius what subtext MAFS is angling at. With way too much botox and an unflattering haircut Melissa is one cancelled wedding away from becoming Miss Havisham. Disorganised and on edge, Melissa decides to throw her career away for national humiliation. Does she have no (real)friends?

    The s-experts decide to pair desperate Melissa with a spiritual guru who comes across as so sleezy a future appearance on ACA is not out of the question. Throwing the words, connection, energy and dream around, SO reminds me of a thirty something con man who seduces a lonely menopausal woman with sentimental words and cheap promises. Unfortunately for SO, and fortunately for Melissa she doesn’t understand a word he is saying…

    The next match up is bogan vs bogan. We all know that cross continental relationships work so well. Jessica, a self confessed Daddy’s girl who only reconnected with said Daddy a few years back is a part time model and full time admin. She, like Cyrell has a brother ready to commit assault on a guy he has barely met. With his extensive neck and face tattoos he denounces the groom as a country bogan. Things are not helped with the best man angling for a stand up comedy career. His rift on drinking and Viagra ends with the male members of the bride’s family ready to punch the groom out.

    It still a bit meh at the moment. Waiting for the booze to flow at the dinner party and wife swapping to begin as we refuse to believe that these are the best matches possible.

  10. Jesika looks very like both Hope Lange and Yvonne de Carlo. I can’t see any hope in hell of that marriage working.
    I am certain I have seen Dino before and I think it was probably on First Dates.
    Picture is Yvonne de Carlo.
    I ffd the sexperts.

  11. I know this is television entertainment but some of these people genuinely want to be married and you kind of hope that the stars align for them.
    Wishful thinking I assume.

  12. For such a small woman, Ning looks like a handful. What I noted was how lonely she said she was as a single mum with one child…..but managed 2 more kids. I wonder how many different fathers the kids have. Sorry, I can’t bring myself to use the Americanism; ” babydaddy”. I will leave that for the roughnuts on Judge Judy.

  13. You know the drill people, it’s night three and the experts still think the general public believe in the science and not the ratings. First up is Mike who has pretty much whored his way around Europe staying is hostels not realising he is the creepy older guy hitting on girls young enough to be his daughter. He is matched with Heidi who admits her bed post in pretty much sawdust. Our resident s-expert graduating from the Mills and Boon University of Luurvvvve believes that issues stemming from a stint in foster care can be healed by a man. Out of this experience Heidi is either going to star in a commercial for shampoo or incontinence pads.

    Next up is single mother of three and reality tv producer’s dream Ning. How many boxes can one person tick? She is matched with one plastic cup and plate Mark, the oldest looking 41 year old who is about to become Mike Brady (without three boys of his own).

    Mick wants everyone to know he does not have a Dad Bod and flaunts it at every opportunity. Heidi wants to jump Mick’s bones without appearing easy . Mick’s Dad is like WTF? An age appropriate woman and Mick wanting to compromise?

    Mark’s parents on the other hand have never seen MAFS and honestly believe that this might be their best chance for grandchildren. Ning verbalises everything including her desire to ‘block’ Mark. He is pragmatic enough to acknowledge that with age comes a past and doesn’t react to Ning’s big reveal. Decides, there is a free honeymoon on offer.

    Still bored with MAFS.

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    • I was jumping in and out, yet I still managed to catch both times when Heidi had to use the bathroom and needed the help of her bridesmaids. I assume it just wasn’t two hours of that alone?

      Mike is a pretty hot guy, but it sounds like he really knows it, and that monologue, “I’m tired of breaking hearts”, I mean, there’s a red flag there. Bladder issues notwithstanding, Heidi seemed sweet, though. Intense, but kind enough. I feel like she’s too good for this, but at least they seemed to genuinely like each other enough.

      From what I saw, Ning and Mark looks like a trainwreck, aka, ratings gold!

  14. I think Mick has probably been able to get any girl he wanted, and ditched them just as easily, knowing for him, “plenty more fish in the sea”, is true.
    The reason he is single is because he was having too much fun at the buffet table.

    • Mick’s father has taught him to be a gentleman and treat women well so I will wait and see. I am thinking the blood girl might be a teeny bit rougher than he is.

  15. Boy Mark thinks “all the signs look good”, when he met Ning at the altar. He must have had some terrible past dates, if he thinks the lady tarantulla gave him good vibes. Chomp! She’s too old to think it’s okay to be rude to people.

    Mark might need to be given another series, like the guy whose “wife”, wanted a polynesian. That Ning is more Deadly Nightshade than Morning.

  16. On last night. I was really mad at Ning. It was nasty and self-centred of her to use her own needs as an excuse to totally disregard another person’s feelings. I hope he doesn’t stay with her. She will be a cruel and demanding because her needs will always come first, and he’ll know it. Run Mark, run. She was just rude.

    • I feel like there’s only so many excuses you can give. It’s like, okay Ning, you’ve got trust issues, you’ve been hurt before, you deflect with humour, etc etc … but at some point, you need to stop acting like a jerk. So far, all she’s been is rude and abrupt and awful.

      And okay, she’s not comfortable with the idea of falling for a stranger? Did she think she was applying for “Deal or No Deal” here?

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  17. James Weir’s recap made me watch the show. If Cam and Jules split I would be shocked but no one else is really an obvious great match. They need to bring back Farmer Wants a Wife to find Mick someone suitable.

  18. And so we come to our honeymoons because if you are going to endure the Tinder date from hell you may as well rack up the room charges.

    Ning realises that she may have applied for the wrong reality show. With her obsession with food and Hot n Cold nature she deeply regrets not applying for Masterchef where abandonment and single parent status would at least have guaranteed her Top 10. Instead she is stuck with some ancient guy in her home country sipping on her cocktails praying that there is delectable fresh meat on offer come Dinner Party Time. Mark, as Daisy has pointed out, must have had some terrible dates in the past to remain this (albeit slightly now tempered) optimistic.

    Heidi has a back catalogue of issues that she has not quite worked through and Mike is so not interested. Mike’s mind drifts back to the uncomplicated 20 something he probably screwed last summer and vows never to date someone over 25 again. As he utters the words “I am not a therapist”, Mike realises that he is not closing the deal tonight and may actually need to pretend to care if he it to get any action while under contractual obligation with Channel Nine.

    Jessika, 27, laments that she has been paired with someone SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO old as at the geriatric age of 31 Mick can’t quite position the phone quite right to capture all her fillers. Downing a beer, Mick begins to suspect Jessika might be more interested in her Instagram profile than him. When asked, Jessika loses it and storms off not before ensuring the camera captured her chest from every angle. Angry that she has been rumbled she sniffs that Mick is too rough for her. Kettle met Pot.

    Melissa still can’t understand a word Dino’s says and Google Translate is no help. Flower, anyone?

    Jules and Cam get wet and Cam reluctantly replies in the affirmative to the children question buying himself some time.

    Nic’s storyline is all about the cancer and whether of not he will tell Cyrell. Alas, this is where the recording cut out.

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    • Jessika is more bogan than Mick – she just wears makeup as well. I would like to see Mel brought back for a “real” match, not someone the complete opposite! Yeah she’s a bit quirky but I would be thinking pretty much the same things as her if a yoga/stripper guy started gibbering on about the universe.

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