Married at First Sight: Sun weddings

The blurb says: Australia’s most controversial social experiment continues. Who will marry Matt, the 29-year-old virgin, and is Sam really too good looking for love?

Please tell me they have not matched Matt with someone totally unsuitable. Nah, MAFS would NEVER do that. The experts know their love stuff.
For those of you who missed it, here is Maz’s excellent recap of the last episode (ta, Maz):
And so we come to our honeymoons because if you are going to endure the Tinder date from hell you may as well rack up the room charges.

Ning realises that she may have applied for the wrong reality show. With her obsession with food and Hot n Cold nature she deeply regrets not applying for Masterchef where abandonment and single parent status would at least have guaranteed her Top 10. Instead she is stuck with some ancient guy in her home country sipping on her cocktails praying that there is delectable fresh meat on offer come Dinner Party Time. Mark, as Daisy has pointed out, must have had some terrible dates in the past to remain this (albeit slightly now tempered) optimistic.

Heidi has a back catalogue of issues that she has not quite worked through and Mike is so not interested. Mike’s mind drifts back to the uncomplicated 20 something he probably screwed last summer and vows never to date someone over 25 again. As he utters the words “I am not a therapist”, Mike realises that he is not closing the deal tonight and may actually need to pretend to care if he it to get any action while under contractual obligation with Channel Nine.

Jessika, 27, laments that she has been paired with someone SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO old as at the geriatric age of 31 Mick can’t quite position the phone quite right to capture all her fillers. Downing a beer, Mick begins to suspect Jessika might be more interested in her Instagram profile than him. When asked, Jessika loses it and storms off not before ensuring the camera captured her chest from every angle. Angry that she has been rumbled she sniffs that Mick is too rough for her. Kettle met Pot.

Melissa still can’t understand a word Dino’s says and Google Translate is no help. Flower, anyone?

Jules and Cam get wet and Cam reluctantly replies in the affirmative to the children question buying himself some time.

Nic’s storyline is all about the cancer and whether of not he will tell Cyrell. Alas, this is where the recording cut out.



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48 Comments

  1. I kinda feel sorry for Matt the virgin. Speaking as a late bloomer myself, you don’t get to that age *without* some kind of back-story (that’s usually not so good). Maybe he signed up for the show because he’s lonely and a little bit tired of waiting for that right time to present itself? Poor bastard. Because you know, they’re going to handle the issue with the subtlety and kindness that we’d expect from channel 9.

    • I guess I feel sorry for him but all he does is bang on about his virginity. Like , does he have any hobbies FFS? Besides talking about his perplexing condition.

      I’m not alone.I had my virginity taken from me by a paedophile, I guess I could audition next year with that. Can the sexperts get their heads around that?

      • I don’t blame the kid for the fact that it was weighing on his mind, it’s the kind of thing that’s always there, it becomes this cycle of self-loathing that becomes self-sustaining, and anything that’s self-sustaining is incredibly difficult to shut off.

        I just read the interview where he spoke a bit about how he always believed he wasn’t worth anything and that he didn’t deserve to have anybody. And that really made me feel for the kid. That kind of (total) lack of self-worth? That doesn’t just pop up out of the blue, one day. Someone, at a very young age (maybe he had a crappy school experience, which it sounds like he did, or his parents weren’t terribly supportive), but someone planted that seed in his head, that he was worthless, at a very young age. And that became his reality, and that’s how he grew into adulthood.

        And I’d like to find that person and tell them exactly what I think of them, to be honest.

  2. Matthew is a handsome, attractive guy. There’s gotta be a reason this guy has never been in a serious (or any) relationship before. On the surface, at least, he’s an appealing guy. There’s gotta be an interesting story there. There has to be.

    Meanwhile, over with Elizabeth and her bridesmaids … talk about revenge of the plastic people. My gosh. Keep those women away from open flames, I’m sure they all would’ve melted.

      • That’s from masturbating too much. The Christian Brothers told me it would make me insane. Matthew got off light with just a blinking affliction.

        • He volunteered to be on “Married at First Sight”, so clearly his decision-making is a bit questionable. But then, so did Lauren. *shrug*

          This is going to seem very insensitive, and I apologise beforehand, but the thought that popped up in my head more than once was, what if poor Matthew’s not even into women at all? Mix his low self-esteem with a judgemental family situation, and he’s just never connected the dots (so that he doesn’t date, like, at all). That’s probably *not* the issue, and I didn’t get any other vibe from him, but the thought kept presenting itself.

  3. Perhaps “Matthew” has a “plumbing” issue.

    Whereas Elizabeth is at the barrier waiting for the starter’s (er, Sam’s) pistol 😉

  4. As always the s-experts intone its all about the ‘science’ when in reality tonight is the night the brides and grooms who the season launch featured get married.

    First up is the twenty-nine year old virgin (as a forty year old one is a vintage too far). Matthew, bullied in high school, decides that evisceration by social media is the price to pay for love.

    He is matched with Lauren. The reasons they are matched? She is a self confessed dork, she had a severe case of adult acne and has only had three serious relationships therefore she would be grateful to be matched with the ‘socially awkward virgin’ and potential future stalker.

    I don’t think Matthew is really interested in girls. There said it. (And the virgin storyline works better on MAFS than say The Voice).

    Sam I Am, believes deeply in the philosophy of Right Said Fred and repeatedly disrobes himself of the shirt. Failing his audition for Aquaman he settles for MAFS.

    Sam moans that women are frighten by his chiseled jawline and is horrified when the judges match him with the fattest girl he has ever dated. ‘I have a lot of thoughts going through my head,’ Sam confines to the producers including how much running will it take for her to shift the weight and how do I avoid having sex with her in case she is a Stage 10 clinger.

    Elizabeth, who believes that a Bratz doll is the perfect template for applying her own make up, can not believe her luck that she has been paired with Ken. All night, she plots to get her talons in to Sam and over emotes to the camera blissfully unaware that he is replused by her.

    For the record she isn’t that fat (more untoned) and has an unfortunate pear shaped body).

    • “I don’t think Matthew is really interested in girls.”

      Yeah, like I said upthread? The same thought kept dropping into my mind, too.

      Or maybe he’s just asexual, like, he doesn’t like anyone (but feels pressured into marrying a girl and having kids, which is the standard norm). I mean, that’s a thing too these days.

      • You might have hit the nail on the head. Many years ago I knew a 29 y/o introvert / virgin. He ended up losing his virginity ….. to a man but old-fashioned family values/parental expectations saw him marry a very plain Jane a couple of years later.

        • I mean, it’s conjecture. I was a virgin until well into my 30s, but I knew who I was attracted to when I was 15. So it might very well be just a case of really awful self-esteem and a cocktail of social anxiety disorders. But some guys do take a long time to connect the dots, and adding in conservative values or judgemental families, and it all gets very messy.

          Like I don’t think it’s the case, not hugely, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was.

    • When her make-up artist suggested that Elizabeth go subtle, with her make-up and hair, was it just me, or did it look like Elizabeth was about to kill her and wear the body as her wedding dress?

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    • Lauren’s the one expertly matched with the virgin Matthew.

      Elizabeth’s the one that looks like Lady Ga Ga mated with a horse. Evil back talons for fingernails. She’s with the bolting ,fat shaming groom Sam.

      What a show this is.

    • Because they are sooo Britney Spears circa 2000. Only lesbians working in McDonalds drive thru wear them.”

      Followed up he has a “inbred vibe.”

        • I suppose both heroin addicts and strippers tend to lose the shirt off their backs. Some strippers are heroin addicts. It looked like that in King’s Cross in 1979 to me.

          But yes, she’s just horrible. She almost took the Incredible Hulk’s face off at the ceremony. She does look like Michelle Bridges as Juz pointed out. This was a topic here tonight.

  5. “Will this be the most important night in the virgin’s life?” scream the promos.

    Ch 9 won’t even use the poor guy’s name. His hairy legs disappearing into a shower look real romantic, too. The barrel scraping producers creating some kind of Psycho scene.

  6. Bronson’s dad’s speech was absolutely gut-wrenching. So, not only has Bronson’s mother passed away, but two of his brothers aren’t around either? I mean, c’mon channel 9. He just spent the entire day being publicly humiliated by his new wife, and now he’s stuck with this awful woman? That’s just not cool.

  7. Ines looks a bit like Michelle Bridges.
    I only saw the first 15 mins. They both have sad back stories but the size of his neck and shoulders freak me out.

  8. It’s the morning after the night before and the producers can’t wait to find out if Matthew’s cherry has been popped. What do you reckon with Lauren precariously perched on the bed doing her best not to look repulsed?

    We learn that Sam I Am had organised a safe word with a mate if things looked grim. “Webjet” and a one way ticket to NZ to attend his ex’s mother’s funeral. He just isn’t into you, Elizabeth.

    On to our next victims, Martha and Michael. The producers hoped to have a decent sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Yιαγιά is everything the producers hoped for and Dad lecturing Martha (a Kim Kardashian wannabe) about the importance of ‘commitment’ is priceless. Alas, the bride learning that her groom once dated her bridesmaid was left on the cutting room floor to make was for Ines.

    Ines’s model for life is a certain z-list actress who married a prince. Like any good fauxmatarian she mouths the words human rights, feminism and the belief that family should not be present at a wedding.

    We know that Ines hates her friends judging purely on the stripper outfits she has masquerading as bridemaids dresses and at one time had her room wallpapered with Smash Hits posters given her repeated references to 90s trends that she wants to see dead.

    Like Ning, Ines is direct as she spent time in a refugee camp. Her first words to Bronson is the edict, ‘Can we get rid of your eyebrow ring, please?’ Ines is physically repulsed when she learns that Bronson has done 3962 stripper shows. “Stripping is so disgusting, please don’t touch me.” Ines is burning with fury that she was not matched with a senior partner of a global consultancy firm and has to put up with a guy who wears onsies.

    • Now 3962 shows makes him some kind of Rolling Stones of strippers. I smell a rat on steroids. Who seriously counts the exact number of gigs they’ve done? (A:Wankers)

      The cricket onesies are another deal breaker. Do they have sandpaper hidden in the pockets these days? A dog onesie would be okay, I suppose.

      Thanks, Maz . Enjoyed your recap.

  9. Does anyone else think that Ch9 hoped to merch a calendar based on this season’s contestants? We have seen repeated shots of steroid enhanced torsos. Otherwise the casting director definitely has a type.

  10. Ines has lip filler so she, like Keira from Bachelor, she can’t stop doing that hideous running of her tongue under her top lip.

    Better a considerate stripper than a rude lawrer’s assistant.

    • So true Daisy. Watching the replay now.
      Ines is truly hideous, the exact opposite of Bronson .I can’t stand that tongue thrusting under her top lip. She is so gross and judgemental.
      Her family aren’t at the wedding because they probably don’t like spending time with her.

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